Cardinals and Blue Jays: A Promise of a New Day

I hope blue[jays] dance in your soul.
- Al Batt

When I was younger, I had a habit of falling into watering holes—creeks, lakes, streams, and the like. It happened most often at my Nanny and Popey’s house where a creek teased me from the backyard. This particular creek was a bit wider than a sidewalk and held crawfish and minnies and a promise of adventure. I realize, those of you reading, might be shaking your head: a little wider than a sidewalk?!? And you still fell in? Well, never one to back down from something or someone, my brother, DT, would constantly egg me on to jump it. Of course, he did this from the other side where he had already neatly and safely landed. I tried many a ways to jump across it, but it seems I was never cut out to be a jumper (as also noted by my lack of a vertical jump for swimming in college ... just not a jumper). I always jumped, yet also managed to slip, trip, and/or fall into the water. I’d slink on back to my grandparents’ house through the basement where I knew my Nanny left towels.

My grandparents were avid bird watchers and living in rural Ohio provided the perfect backdrop for this hobby. They had bird whistles, birdbaths, bird feeders, bird books, bird nick-knacks, bird clocks, and various other bird related items around their house. There were times when my brothers and I didn’t venture down to the creek and instead sat in front of the giant bay window and watched the birds with my grandparents. Sometimes one of us were told to take the bags of crust and scatter it on the ground beneath the bay window. The birds would swoop on in and talk back and forth as they snatched the crumbs. We learned a lot about the nature of birds and each other as we’d sit and bird watch. My grandparents had two favorite birds: the cardinal and the blue jay. These two types of birds are not actually that easy to see, or at least, that has been my experience outside of rural Ohio. Over the years since my grandparents passing, I have not seen these birds very often, though the blue jay is more elusive, and I always look.  And so ingrained in fond and happy memories of a time long past, these birds have become a symbol for my brothers and me: a symbol of hope that somehow, no matter the circumstances things are going to be ok.

This past year I have seen the blue jay several times: always flying high, only stopping for a moment for me to a catch a glimpse.

This might be a slight indication of my past year, my first as a post-grad student. What does one expect in their first year as a full-fledged faculty member, shiny new Ph.D. in hand? I don’t know what I expected, but I never expected it to be so, well, so hard. I never thought I’d count out pennies for groceries or have experiences with students that didn’t go so *well. I never thought it’d be hard to make new friends or find a good work out place. I never thought I’d find a church that didn’t have my best intentions at heart or struggle to lose the dissertation 20. I never thought it’d be hard to adjust to the running in the altitude or have constant nosebleeds from the adjustment. I never thought the Steelers would lose to the Broncos or that Peyton Manning would get traded to the Broncos. I never thought a student would email to complain about an A-…

I’m not one to run away from something just because it’s hard, and in fact, I tend to dig in deeper, but it’s not unrealistic or un-humanlike (or heaven forbid weak) to admit when it’s been a hard year. We all have hard years—I’ve had harder years than even this one—yet, it’s what we do with the hard year once we realize the fact that makes the difference in how the following year will turn out. Not because the following year is guaranteed to be a “better” year, but because of how we adjust our thinking and our reactions based on that previous experience.

By the time I saw a blue jay for the third time, I knew everything—somehow and someway—was going to be ok.  

This has been the year of jumping in because someone (namely myself) dared me to. But it’s also been the year of learning when not to jump (who knew there’d be that day!), learning when to rely on others, if only to talk it out, and learning more about myself along the way. A seemingly productive learning year: let’s call it that and not let the hardness of it blind me to the learning.   

And so, sometimes when darkness hovers above ready to slip her arms around me and the ground is slightly damp, I’m no longer a 30something, but my 10 year old self giggling at my brothers across the creek, daring them to not believe I could make it. I still smell the rustiness of the creek, still see the lighting bugs start to dance, still hear the aria of the spring peeps, still hear my Popey, as he shakes his head and says, “ooooh, Sissy,” and still believe that cardinals and blue jays offer the hope of a new day.

The Facts of Life

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have—The Facts of Life.

Some people never learn about the “facts of life” because some people never learn to take the good with the bad. We’re human—we want good all the time—even if we know it’s unrealistic.

A fact:
The Steelers lost the Super Bowl on Sunday, and as saddened as I am by that fact, I still pretty proud of my boys. 2nd in the NFL is none too shabby especially when the critics panned them as having a bad year due to the BR drama. Yes, the boys done well—they done real well.

There's a time you got to go and show, You're growin' now you know about—The Facts of Life.

A fact:
Some people never grow only wanting to wallow around in what might have been instead of what could be. Three of my friends have gotten campus interviews and one of them said to me that he almost didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be upset. I found this to be amusing rather than offensive (luckily) because one thing I’ve learned in the last six months is you can’t wallow. What kind of person would be upset over a friend’s success? Seems silly. No, I’m proud of these three. They are forging ahead and making it work in a very difficult market.

You got the future in the palm of your hands all you gotta do to get you through is understand you think you rather do without, you will never make without the truth—The facts of life is all about you.

A fact:
You gotta take the job market experience as a growing and learning experience otherwise you’re never going to get out of bed in the morning; you’re never going to teach your students anything substantial this semester; and you’re never going to finish your dissertation. I keep learning this fact over and over again. I feel kinda bad for the head of my dissertation (and also my go-to person for advice on just about everything) because I have had the same talk with her repeatedly (of course I have also had the same talk with my mom and dad, but I don’t feel quite as bad because they don’t have any choice in the matter). So, three people I respect tell me over and over again the same thing: to take each interview, each rejection, each stumble and grow from them. And I do—I grow—but sometimes I grow backwards and need to be reminded I do have the future in the palm of my hand…it’s just the future’s a little unclear right now. But who knows what fact of life next week might hold for me.

I'm taking the good with the bad or at least I'm learning to.

12th (wo)man on the Team

Here we go Steelers…here we go. Pittsburgh’s goin’ to the Super Bowl.

After what was a very long week (didn’t seem to matter it was technically only a four dayer), we end on a high note. The Steelers become the second team in NFL history to go to eight super bowls (trivia for the other team, though, if you know your NFL it isn’t hard to figure out!). Two weeks from now we will play the Green Bay Packers in effort to become the first team in NFL history to win seven times. Here we go!

I have been a Steelers fan since before I came out of the womb—I was born into a Steelers family. My dad, my mom, my dad’s dad, my dad’s brother, and so on. Most of family members are Steelers fans. I grew up with David spouting off Steelers line-ups and giving predications way before a child can even truly understand the impact of being a Steelers fan. But the thing about being a Steelers fan is you kinda get labeled as things such as obnoxious, loud, overbearing, and opinionated--even as a child fan. I think what bothers people the most is we’re everywhere. This is Steelers country baby. We’re the 12th man on the team. Win or lose we represent.

I think that a PhD student sorta resembles a Steelers fan. Often these students can be obnoxious, loud, and/or overbearing and (most definitely) opinionated (you know it’s true, though, some people are more than others). I have to wonder if it’s because we go to school for such a long time, so we have lots of knowledge to throw around, right? We know stuff—lots of stuff—and depending on the PhD student’s personality this can come across as, well, all of the above. But we are also like the 12th man on team because we get our jobs done—whether that job is to teach students how to write, how critically analyze, or how to research; we expand upon existing theories to create new defining moments in our fields; and most importantly, the majority of us are fighters never giving up even when we may really (!) want to. We represent our teams (aka disciplines) well and as a result as we make the transition from PhD student to PhD, we go from the 12th man to an actual member of the team. That’s what we are fighting for; it’s why we work hard, push hard, and play hard to earn that spot on the team: to be a professor baby. =)

I write this in the afterglow of winning (another) AFC championship game and as I struggle through the final semester of my PhD. But I kind of like the idea of being the 12th (wo)man on the team because it’s part of the secret to Steelers success, and they don’t leave home without them. Thus, I, too, will be successful in my transition from PhD student to PhD. Makes rational sense.