"Even After the Glitter Fades": Dating as a Ph.D.

“You know, the man of my dreams might walk round the corner tomorrow. I'm older and wiser and I think I'd make a great girlfriend. I live in the realm of romantic possibility.”

©     Stevie Nicks

Five years ago, as I contemplated which grad school to go to, I did a little bit of research. Not the kind of research that involves looking at the school’s English program or the type of instructors that taught there or even how reputable the place was—no, I researched the dating life of a grad student. I stumbled upon blogs and wikis dedicated to dating life in grad school, and as I sat reading through the threads, a tiny black cloud burst upon my head: the consensus was dating in grad school sucked. I combed through more and more threads sure that this was wrong—how could it be so hard to date in grad school? There would be boys, ahem, men there. There’d be a whole new city to explore. Yet every blog and wiki said the same thing. Shaking my head in defiance, I declared that would not be the case for me—I would find a way to date, and date a lot, throughout grad school.

Decision made, I set out to truly figure out what grad school to attend. One day, I was walking to grab coffee with my mentor when he said he had advice for me,

“Don’t get married in grad school.”

“Uh, ok??”

“No, seriously. Don’t get married in grad school. Don’t go there to date.”

“Um….”

The black cloud returned above my head, just what was it with dating in grad school? Could people really not multi-task within their lives?

Needless to say, advice and research aside, I survived grad school having found a way to mostly mingle my dating life and my academic life. Though as I made my way through the program, one thing did become crystal clear: men don’t tend to like hard-core women. You know, the women that are smart, perhaps slightly aggressive in their take-charge personalities, and marginally competitive. Personally, I hate the term “hard-core woman”—it makes me shudder and squirm—but I’ve heard the term two or three times…maybe even thrown my general way. But, what is so wrong with a woman with direction? A woman with goals? A woman who knows her mind and isn’t afraid to share it? I didn't/don’t get it.

Several months ago, I was at a bar with a guy friend and no one was there but the bartender and the two of us. The bartender was totally cute, so I shamelessly flirted with him. He flirted back. We played the get-to-know you game:

Cute Bartender: “What do you do?”

Kt: “I’m a professor.”

Long pause.

Cute bartender: “I’m sorry, but what exactly do you profess?”

Kt: (inward sigh—I hate that question) “I teach writing.”
Cute bartender: "Oooh, you mean like creative writing? Like poetry."

Friend butts in: “You shouldn’t tell people that you’re a professor.”

Kt: “Excuse me?!? Why not?"

Cute bartender: (laughs) “Yea, I wouldn’t mention that either. No one wants to know that you are a (pause for dramatic effect) D.o.c.t.er.”
Kt: "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG AND HARD IT IS TO BECOME A PROFESSOR?” (clenched teeth)

Friend: “Dude! No guy wants to know that you have a Ph.D. Seriously. Leave it out.”

Kt: “You guys are ridiculous. And I teach composition--you know there are other kinds of writing. I try and teach student how to..."

Cute bartender: (jumps in totally ignoring the writing comment) “You’re friend has a point—I wouldn’t tell people you have a Ph.D, especially not guys.”

Kt exits to the bathroom before the conversation turns ugly.

Long after the conversation had ended, it still haunted me. Could this be true, I wondered? Is this part of the whole anti-hard-core woman thing? Men don’t want someone who has a higher degree than them or may be as smart or smarter?

Around the same time a different friend suggested I join an online dating website. I have always rejected the idea of online dating because it just seemed so stale, but I thought ok, why not. Five hours after sitting through e-harmony’s painfully long process, I had an online profile. Before it went public, my fingers lingered above the keys as the conversation from bar teased within my thoughts: do I put I have a Ph.D? Do I put that I’m a professor? Inwardly I was cringing that I even thought these thoughts, so I put down: Kara, Ph.D. Professor of Writing. There, I thought, take that cute bartender! I am Kt, Ph.D. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

After getting only two invitations for "guided communication"--one of which looked much older than his professed 38 years of age and the other looking his 36, but still seeming too old for me--the conversation returned to haunt me. What, I wondered, was wrong with my profile? 

About a month into e-harmony, I was talking with my mom on the phone when I wondered out loud if the cute bartender was right: did my Ph.D and status as a professor mark me in some way? Ever the one to try out some research, I updated my profile: education, “some college”;  job, “education”; and I took out all my sassy comments and made my profile as minimal as could be.

1 day later: the traffic on my profile tripled, the number of “guided communication”

requests from men doubled, and suddenly men who I had sent “guided communication” weeks ago responded. No lyin’. Suddenly without the Ph.D. or the professor attached to my profile, it had become more desirable to men. I was torn between amusement and disgust at the cute bartender and friend who apparently had a point. I was more desirable to these nameless men without my Ph.D. or declaring that I was a professor.

Thus, five years after initially not believing the blogs and wikis, I think they might have been onto something. Dating in general is hard—we all know this—but dating as someone with a higher degree is much harder than without one. And perhaps dating as a woman who has her Ph.D. is harder still.

I love the Stevie Nicks quote that opened this post because deep down or perhaps not that deep, I’m a romantic at heart. Maybe the man of my dreams is around the next corner. Maybe it’s time I switch my profile back to Kt, Ph.D. and let the profile views fall as they may.  And maybe it’s time to re-stomp on the black rain cloud and live in the realm of romantic possibility and resume loudly declaring, Kara Taczak, Ph.D. Professor of Writing...I’d make a great girlfriend. ;-)